Are We Shallow?

Spoiler Alert: Even though the inspiration for this post is the all-too-frequent conversations I've been having about whether Christian men are too shallow, this one's aimed at you, ladies. I'll let the pastors and the accountability groups and the discipleship deal with the men, if in fact they need to be "dealt with."

Despite my harsh intro, ladies, I feel for you and I empathize with you and I know your struggle and your pain is real. I have had SO many conversations with girlfriends over the years about feeling overlooked and unattractive to men in the church, even though we seem to be perfectly desirable to men everywhere else.

So here's my disclaimer: I don't know why men in the church are so hesitant to pursue women and seem to come across as more shallow. Even if I did, I have no power to do anything about it, so I'll leave that one to the bros.

Here is my question, ladies: why do you care so much?

I can look into my own heart and venture some guesses into the answer. We want to feel lovely, to be delighted in. We want to know that there is potential for us to find someone. We want to feel like we are "enough".

When men dismiss us based on our appearance, we feel devalued, second class. It hurts when they won't approach us in the first place, and it hurts even more when they really know us and value our company and all our non-shallow characteristics. We feel like we are not enough.

May I suggest, beautiful sister, that perhaps your yardstick shouldn't be a shallow man who is struggling with his own insecurities and sin?

We want so much to feel lovely and beautiful, but I would argue that additional male attention is not going to accomplish this for us.

Sister, you ARE lovely and beautiful. God delights in you. He sees you as beautiful now, he is making you more beautiful, and one day you will tangibly know and experience the fullness of your beauty.

That's not enough?

What would be? Having some schmoe be attracted to you here? That is a fleeting yardstick, and it's unsatisfying. There is no permanent solution to that need to feel lovely and beautiful apart from the work that Christ has accomplished for us on the cross. If you're looking for anything else, you will feel unsatisfied.

And as far as feeling like you'll never find anyone... You know what I really don't want? A guy who feels like he has to settle for me despite not being attracted to me. You know how God can work with just the smallest amount of effort? The God who calms storms and stops rivers and holds the sun back can so easily work in the mind of a man to make him attracted to me when he needs to be. So if a guy is not attracted to me... it's just not what God has for me. Plain and simple.

If I do get married, I want a man who genuinely is attracted to me. I don't want him to be shallow for other reasons, but he can be like "I am a blue eyes, curly hair and muscular calves guy, and I find you so attractive." Or something like that. I've never actually met a guy who is really into a girl's calves, but if I do, I'll have all those running miles to thank for landing me a man. But hopefully he's also, and moreso, like "you love Jesus and that's the biggest reason I love you." (And if you happen to be reading this, Future Husband, good luck, since I am clearly off my rocker when it comes to you.) (But ladies, not about the other stuff. God the Father thinks you are stunning and that's what matters.)

In conclusion:

• You are beautiful, inside and out.
• Your yardstick is that you are delighted in by the Father.
• Men who are not attracted to you do not define your beauty.
• If a man is not attracted to you, it's not meant to be. So let go and be available for the next one.