***
The spotlight shone obnoxiously in my eyes: the heat of the light, the total and utter blackness of everything else conveying the full weight of it's pressure.
Beneath my feet, there was nothing but a wire. The spotlight on me, I felt the pressure to perform, and yet I felt paralyzed. I was utterly exposed. I could see nothing but blackness outside of the light firmly fixed on me. Terrified of falling, of failing, I could not take a step.
Several years ago, as I was going through the MBA application process, this was a recurring dream I had. And then, I had the dream again...
And suddenly, consciously, I just let go and fell off the tight rope. The fall was peaceful and softened by a huge, soft safety net.
I pulled myself from the safety net and walked to a door in the room. Walking out the door, I found myself on a beautiful garden path.
I was filled with relief.
That was the last time I had that dream.
***
This post has been sitting in my draft list for probably close to a month. I haven't finished it, or published it, because I wanted to have "arrived" before I posted it.
I've been finding that old idol of perfectionism creeping up in my life. I want to get this contentment thing perfect. I want to surrender perfectly. I even find myself waking up thinking about Greek noun forms because I'm so desperate to memorize them so I can do well in class. (A class where I find myself feeling competitive but that has no grades or bearing whatsoever on my future.)
I crashed this week, though. Woke up Monday morning feeling sick and weak. And I had to just stop.
I like to come up with plans. If I can just chart the next few steps, I can start stepping my way out of a situation and make some progress. If I'm battling spiritual attack, I just need to find the right verse from my memory bank and meditate on the truth. Step 1) identify the source of the attack. Step 2) find the right verse. Step 3) repeat until I believe it.
I've realized that there is no plan or perfection in letting go.
You just... let... go...
A week or so ago, I was fighting off some major spiritual attack. And I was going through my three steps. And I went to the gym, thinking that a run would be a good distraction, but the intervals my coach had set up for me were too hard for how I was feeling that day. Cue more attack.
As I was walking back to the parking lot, I realized I just didn't have it in me anymore to walk through all the steps. So I just stopped and said "Daddy, I need you."
And immediately, I felt a rush of peace.
***
This post was originally supposed to be about letting go of all the pressure that those of us who are single find ourselves under... Pressure to be more open, to try more networking, to stop worrying about our singleness, to give "so and so" a shot, to try some new online dating site, to put ourselves out there, to stop believing the lies about ourselves that have built up over the years...
I was tired of worrying about it. But every time I decided to let go, I started worrying again. I would stress about my actions, and was I properly protecting my heart, was I leading anyone on and yada yada yada.
I couldn't stop.
I think we all do this, single or not.
We live as if it depends on us. As if God is up in heaven waiting for us to perform the right way so he can bless us with joy or contentment or some sort of tangible blessing. As if we can somehow live our lives in such a way to avoid pain or suffering. As if there's a perfect magical formula we can figure out and then put our lives on auto-pilot.
We can't.
All we can do is let go and fall into grace.
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