Are We Shallow? Part Two

So as someone pointed out over lunch today, I never actually addressed the question that I posed in the title. They also pointed out that girls are shallow, too.

So, men: you can re-read yesterday's post and replace "lovely" or "beautiful" with whatever you happen to be insecure about.

And today, no one is off the hook.

Women, we aren't shallow, right? We don't walk into a room and decide who is worth talking to based only on their appearance, so naturally we can take an uppity approach to those shallow, immature men who only go after the "hot girls".

I'm sure that we've never dismissed a guy because he was shorter than us, or on the quieter side, or had less education than us, or... I'll stop now.

So we're all shallow. About different things. So two questions: 1) why? and 2) why does it matter?

There may be other reasons why we are shallow, but I can really only think of one: we are insecure. I have actually heard girls say that they don't want to date someone shorter than them because they feel big, and they want a guy who will make them feel small. I appreciate the honesty, but if you don't deal with your own insecurity, then how can someone else help to remedy that? In the same way, I am sure that men want a beautiful girl on their arm so that other men will look at them and think "wow, he's such a stud for landing that hottie." And then they won't be thinking about his receding hairline...

When this fuels our shallowness, we need to deal with it without dragging others into the equation. Read part 1 for a start, but also meditate on who you are in Christ. Let him fill those insecurities rather than putting the burden on someone else.

So why does it matter?

First, it hurts other people. If you're a man, and you've never thought through the impact on your sisters in Christ when you reduce all of their personhood to a single characteristic and dismiss them for it, you should really understand that it hurts to get brushed aside. I can't imagine that the way men feel when they are treated for other superficial characteristics is any different. I'm not saying that we have to strive to make everyone feel attractive - I don't think that's our job at all - but to so obviously pursue people who only have certain superficial characteristics, I would argue, is to not be treating our single brothers and sisters in love.

Second, it hurts us. Let's go by the numbers here. I have three filters that are deal breakers for me: if a man is going to be eligible to date me, he must love Jesus, be single (I don't think that's unreasonable) and be age-appropriate (arguably a squishy filter, but I keep the age range fairly wide). Doesn't seem so bad, but I live in a city where there are more women than men, the population skews younger and, oh, by the way, it's the least churched city in America, so the percentage of men who love Jesus is lower. It's kind of a small pool. (Back in the days when I was actually doing online dating, I did a search on Christian Mingle, and three men showed up. One of them, my friend knows and has been talking about setting me up with. The other two were not actually active on the site. But I digress...)

So if I start layering anything shallow onto my filters, I am way cutting down on potential mates. Plus, I don't think the filters add any value. When we are looking for a life partner, the things that matter are character and shared values. I want to build my life with someone who has integrity, who's going to love me through the hard times, who's going to pursue Jesus with me, who's going to walk in grace. Can I really understand that by putting a minimum height filter on my eligible pool? I think that compatibility and attraction do matter as well, but I can't get at that if I put a minimum education level filter in place. I would even argue that although I don't click with someone immediately, it doesn't mean that over time we couldn't develop a great relationship.

Okay, so if I've argued convincingly on the first two questions, it begs a third question: what do I do about it?

I think I know the answer, but I'm kind of afraid to put it in writing because it still scares me for all sorts of other reasons, and I don't want people to hold me accountable for it. I think we need to be open.

I have a lot of excuses for not being open. I find small talk awkward. I'm afraid of getting hurt. But I think I need to get over both of those things and get to know people that I maybe wouldn't consider at first. I need to say "yes" more often. And I need to say "yes" when all that is asked of me is a conversation... because one of my guy friends once told me I say "no" without saying "no" by the way that I act. And another one said that I'm "intimidating and unapproachable."

We don't need to end up in relationships with everyone who comes our way, but as brothers and sisters in Christ, we do need to treat each other with love and dignity. It's not our responsibility to make each other feel attractive, but I would argue that it is our responsibility to NOT make each other feel unattractive or discarded. And if someone asks you to grab coffee... why not just say yes? It's 60 minutes of your time... and a free coffee!