We've all heard this so many times, in fact, that we start to take pride enjoying singleness. In a spirit of full disclosure, I will share some of the things that I myself have thought in my own appreciation for my singleness, to see if some of them may resonate with you.
- I'm sorry your kids woke you up at 5 a.m. during daylight savings time. I loved my extra hour of sleep.
- I'm going to take a spa day, just because I can.
- You have to check with your husband to see if you can come out with us? I don't have to check with anyone!
- I want those shoes and I don't have to check with anyone about whether I'm going to buy them.
As it turns out, marriage isn't the only idol that crops up on the singleness--marriage continuum.
When I express appreciation for my singleness, most people think it's admirable and that I'm living out 1 Corinthians 7:8 where Paul says "To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am." And it's so tempting to just pat myself on the back and smile with self-righteousness and say, "yes, I'm so godly."
But the truth is that I've actually made an idol of singleness.
People who like to quote Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 are often missing the broader context of the passage. Yes, Paul does say that it's good to be single. He also says it's good to remain married. He redeems singleness in a culture where marriage and family were the main paths to esteem and honor. He also takes everyone up a level and basically affirms the truth that your marital status is not what's important.
Whether single, married, or somewhere on the path between, our ultimate aim in life is to glorify God, by being satisfied in him as we grow in relationship to him. The new church in Corinth was aware that everything changed in light of the gospel and were trying to figure out whether they should stop being married or get married (in many cases, it would appear from the text, to leave behind a sinful lifestyle perhaps). Paul stepped in and said, "this isn't what matters. Where you are is fine. Don't seek to change it because of this new revelation of the gospel." (note that the quotes here do not refer to something Paul says verbatim)
So bringing this back around to the idol of singleness. I would posit that glorifying God and growing in relationship with him can come through either being single or being married. And I would further suggest that it's not up to me to decide how God is going to work that out in my life. When I choose singleness because of selfish reasons, I am not as open to God working out another plan for my life. (Not that he can't get around it, but it brings me much more joy when I'm not wrestling him at every step.) And when I seek marriage because of selfish reasons, I am destined for disappointment (and may make foolish decisions).
So what might be some bad reasons to stay single?
- Fear. Ooh. Guilty. Relationships are scary. Rejection is scary. Opening myself up to someone else is terrifying. But guess what, self: your hope is in Christ; he is in control; you have nothing to be afraid of.
- Selfishness. I try really, really hard to fight this one, but it lies deep. When Paul said that it is better to be single, he was referencing the fact that it would better allow you to pour your life out in service to others. If you're quoting Paul's verse on singleness, are you also seeking to live this out? Are you serving as much as possible in the church? Are you supporting your friends who have families by playing with their children? Are you pouring yourself out to mentor those who are younger than you? Are you giving away your extra discretionary income that isn't going into daycare and diapers? I know I can't say "yes" to all of these, and so there's a part of me that knows it's just so much easier to be single.
- Being too picky. There are things that we should absolutely not settle on. You will find yourself with no small amount of heartache if you choose to build a life with someone who does not love Jesus and does not understand grace. However, we can all be really shallow. (I've already blogged about this... twice...) If we are staying single because we can't find someone who meets our "shallow" requirements, I think this is actually a problem. (But I won't discuss further in this post.) Furthermore, though, we have to recognize that we are going to marry a sinful person, just like our spouse will also marry a sinful person. What matters is not finding someone who is perfect, but finding someone who is growing in grace and wisdom and is in the process of being perfected.
In complete honesty, I'm still working through how to handle all of the above. I only gave the "fear" paragraph three lines (in my browser), but it's occupied pages and pages in my journal. I immediately tanked things, intentionally, with the last guy that I met who was "of an appropriate age" and loved Jesus because of fear. And where I keep coming back to in my heart is that if Jesus is enough for me in my singleness, he can be enough for me as I move forward in a relationship, he can be enough for me if a relationship doesn't work out and he can be enough for me if it does. What matters is not my relationship status, but that I'm walking with an open hand to what God wants to give me and what God wants to take away from me.
I don't have that selfishness thing down either. I try. I do. But I'm not there. We must be constantly vigilant about where selfishness is cropping up in our lives.
And the thing about being too picky... Just read my previous posts:
