Curation and the Lonely Heart

It's so easy to make our lives look fantastic on social media. Wait for that picture-perfect moment, snap a photo through your ever-improving iPhone camera, slap on a filter and share through all your social media pages in one easy step through Instagram.

My latest soapbox has been to bring a dose of reality to Instagram. On the picture above, I wrote: "Not shown: the regrettable decision to wear the boots which are hot and giving me blisters." It had been a really beautiful day, to be honest. I walked out of brunch and decided it was too nice to do anything but be outside in all my favorite city sites. A new friend felt the same way and came with me, so the afternoon was altogether pleasant. By the time I took this picture, though, my feet were legitimately angry. And I still had another 2-3 miles to walk back to my car.

It was a great day, but I tell this story because we are well aware of our own "sore feet" and less than stellar moments, but we don't see many of them when we scroll through Instagram and see the filtered highlight reels of everyone else's lives. (Note that the word filtered has a dual meaning in this instance. Clever, eh?) We know our own realities (sore feet, lonely night), but we see the picture perfect moments of everyone else (the moment the sunset is perfect, the views at the end of an arduous hike), and it's hard not to assume that we are missing out and doing something wrong because our lives are not as perfect as everyone else's.

When you're single, this effect is magnified. You watch chick flicks (even sometimes if you're a guy... I know you do...), you see the "date night" Instagrams, you see the "we're engaged!" Facebook posts and you see all the #mancrushMonday and #blessed and #bestboyfriendever. Looking through your newsfeed is the highlight reel of everyone else's perfect love life.

Oh man. Life sucks. I don't have an Instagram picture of me and my handsome date from Saturday night.

Except.

When you talk to people about their marriages or dating lives, it turns out they are not actually perfect. There are fights. About which soap goes in which dispenser or which color the living room should be, in the best cases, and about much deeper things in the worst cases. The longings and struggles that we feel in singleness don't go away in marriage, in fact, sometimes it can be more challenging because there's someone there that we feel should make us stop feeling those things.

I'm not down on marriage and relationships, so I'll stop there. My point is really just to illustrate that we don't get a full picture of what relationships look like through the curated version of someone's life on social media.

So what do we do about it? Because as much as we may know that we are seeing only the good parts, it's hard to stop feeling like we are missing out.

First, I love my friendships with my married friends, and especially my friends with kids. Friends, I love your kids, I love seeing pictures of them, I love spoiling them... but they serve as a good reminder of all the blessings that come with singleness! And talking in a deep way about the struggles of life with my married friends is a reminder that marriage is not a magic bullet. It's a blessing, for sure, but it doesn't solve all the struggles of our hearts.

Second, if you're really struggling, just take a break. I stopped looking at my Facebook newsfeed following recent events (that shall not be discussed here) and guess what... I didn't miss it. Now, I was also on vacation for the first few days, which illustrates another point if I haven't convinced you of the fallacy of social media... we are never looking at social media when we are busy enjoying life and creating those "Insta-worthy" moments.

Finally, maybe considering joining the revolution with me? Let's all just start being honest. Don't embarrass your husband by posting about your fights, but maybe let's start curating our social media posts in a way that highlights the ordinariness of life. I have a friend who does a great job of this. She posted an adorable video of her daughter claiming her older brother's new vest... and then hours later added a story of the same daughter crying when she couldn't have the vest. I love it because it's honest and it's not sugar coated.

Below is the second most liked thing I've posted on Instagram this year, with the caption: "I don't want to be one of those people who brags about my life on social media, but look! I found the other sock!"

Join the movement with #thisgotreal.

Are We Shallow? Part Two

So as someone pointed out over lunch today, I never actually addressed the question that I posed in the title. They also pointed out that girls are shallow, too.

So, men: you can re-read yesterday's post and replace "lovely" or "beautiful" with whatever you happen to be insecure about.

And today, no one is off the hook.

Women, we aren't shallow, right? We don't walk into a room and decide who is worth talking to based only on their appearance, so naturally we can take an uppity approach to those shallow, immature men who only go after the "hot girls".

I'm sure that we've never dismissed a guy because he was shorter than us, or on the quieter side, or had less education than us, or... I'll stop now.

So we're all shallow. About different things. So two questions: 1) why? and 2) why does it matter?

There may be other reasons why we are shallow, but I can really only think of one: we are insecure. I have actually heard girls say that they don't want to date someone shorter than them because they feel big, and they want a guy who will make them feel small. I appreciate the honesty, but if you don't deal with your own insecurity, then how can someone else help to remedy that? In the same way, I am sure that men want a beautiful girl on their arm so that other men will look at them and think "wow, he's such a stud for landing that hottie." And then they won't be thinking about his receding hairline...

When this fuels our shallowness, we need to deal with it without dragging others into the equation. Read part 1 for a start, but also meditate on who you are in Christ. Let him fill those insecurities rather than putting the burden on someone else.

So why does it matter?

First, it hurts other people. If you're a man, and you've never thought through the impact on your sisters in Christ when you reduce all of their personhood to a single characteristic and dismiss them for it, you should really understand that it hurts to get brushed aside. I can't imagine that the way men feel when they are treated for other superficial characteristics is any different. I'm not saying that we have to strive to make everyone feel attractive - I don't think that's our job at all - but to so obviously pursue people who only have certain superficial characteristics, I would argue, is to not be treating our single brothers and sisters in love.

Second, it hurts us. Let's go by the numbers here. I have three filters that are deal breakers for me: if a man is going to be eligible to date me, he must love Jesus, be single (I don't think that's unreasonable) and be age-appropriate (arguably a squishy filter, but I keep the age range fairly wide). Doesn't seem so bad, but I live in a city where there are more women than men, the population skews younger and, oh, by the way, it's the least churched city in America, so the percentage of men who love Jesus is lower. It's kind of a small pool. (Back in the days when I was actually doing online dating, I did a search on Christian Mingle, and three men showed up. One of them, my friend knows and has been talking about setting me up with. The other two were not actually active on the site. But I digress...)

So if I start layering anything shallow onto my filters, I am way cutting down on potential mates. Plus, I don't think the filters add any value. When we are looking for a life partner, the things that matter are character and shared values. I want to build my life with someone who has integrity, who's going to love me through the hard times, who's going to pursue Jesus with me, who's going to walk in grace. Can I really understand that by putting a minimum height filter on my eligible pool? I think that compatibility and attraction do matter as well, but I can't get at that if I put a minimum education level filter in place. I would even argue that although I don't click with someone immediately, it doesn't mean that over time we couldn't develop a great relationship.

Okay, so if I've argued convincingly on the first two questions, it begs a third question: what do I do about it?

I think I know the answer, but I'm kind of afraid to put it in writing because it still scares me for all sorts of other reasons, and I don't want people to hold me accountable for it. I think we need to be open.

I have a lot of excuses for not being open. I find small talk awkward. I'm afraid of getting hurt. But I think I need to get over both of those things and get to know people that I maybe wouldn't consider at first. I need to say "yes" more often. And I need to say "yes" when all that is asked of me is a conversation... because one of my guy friends once told me I say "no" without saying "no" by the way that I act. And another one said that I'm "intimidating and unapproachable."

We don't need to end up in relationships with everyone who comes our way, but as brothers and sisters in Christ, we do need to treat each other with love and dignity. It's not our responsibility to make each other feel attractive, but I would argue that it is our responsibility to NOT make each other feel unattractive or discarded. And if someone asks you to grab coffee... why not just say yes? It's 60 minutes of your time... and a free coffee!

Are We Shallow?

Spoiler Alert: Even though the inspiration for this post is the all-too-frequent conversations I've been having about whether Christian men are too shallow, this one's aimed at you, ladies. I'll let the pastors and the accountability groups and the discipleship deal with the men, if in fact they need to be "dealt with."

Despite my harsh intro, ladies, I feel for you and I empathize with you and I know your struggle and your pain is real. I have had SO many conversations with girlfriends over the years about feeling overlooked and unattractive to men in the church, even though we seem to be perfectly desirable to men everywhere else.

So here's my disclaimer: I don't know why men in the church are so hesitant to pursue women and seem to come across as more shallow. Even if I did, I have no power to do anything about it, so I'll leave that one to the bros.

Here is my question, ladies: why do you care so much?

I can look into my own heart and venture some guesses into the answer. We want to feel lovely, to be delighted in. We want to know that there is potential for us to find someone. We want to feel like we are "enough".

When men dismiss us based on our appearance, we feel devalued, second class. It hurts when they won't approach us in the first place, and it hurts even more when they really know us and value our company and all our non-shallow characteristics. We feel like we are not enough.

May I suggest, beautiful sister, that perhaps your yardstick shouldn't be a shallow man who is struggling with his own insecurities and sin?

We want so much to feel lovely and beautiful, but I would argue that additional male attention is not going to accomplish this for us.

Sister, you ARE lovely and beautiful. God delights in you. He sees you as beautiful now, he is making you more beautiful, and one day you will tangibly know and experience the fullness of your beauty.

That's not enough?

What would be? Having some schmoe be attracted to you here? That is a fleeting yardstick, and it's unsatisfying. There is no permanent solution to that need to feel lovely and beautiful apart from the work that Christ has accomplished for us on the cross. If you're looking for anything else, you will feel unsatisfied.

And as far as feeling like you'll never find anyone... You know what I really don't want? A guy who feels like he has to settle for me despite not being attracted to me. You know how God can work with just the smallest amount of effort? The God who calms storms and stops rivers and holds the sun back can so easily work in the mind of a man to make him attracted to me when he needs to be. So if a guy is not attracted to me... it's just not what God has for me. Plain and simple.

If I do get married, I want a man who genuinely is attracted to me. I don't want him to be shallow for other reasons, but he can be like "I am a blue eyes, curly hair and muscular calves guy, and I find you so attractive." Or something like that. I've never actually met a guy who is really into a girl's calves, but if I do, I'll have all those running miles to thank for landing me a man. But hopefully he's also, and moreso, like "you love Jesus and that's the biggest reason I love you." (And if you happen to be reading this, Future Husband, good luck, since I am clearly off my rocker when it comes to you.) (But ladies, not about the other stuff. God the Father thinks you are stunning and that's what matters.)

In conclusion:

• You are beautiful, inside and out.
• Your yardstick is that you are delighted in by the Father.
• Men who are not attracted to you do not define your beauty.
• If a man is not attracted to you, it's not meant to be. So let go and be available for the next one.