I've been mulling over that question since that conversation, and I feel like so few people will give the really honest answer in an encouraging way. We've been taught that we're supposed to be content in Jesus, or that we should be putting ourselves out there, or that we're not whole until we're married, or so many other things, that we don't always let ourselves just feel what we really feel.
So here's my honest answer:
It's hard, it's easy, it's good and it takes a lot of work.
It's hard.
When you're single, you learn to smile through all the celebrations of other people getting the things you desire deep down. You dutifully trek off to Victoria's Secret for a gift and wrap it in a pretty package and haul it off to the bridal shower. You've learned that when the DJ invites "all the couples" onto the dance floor to join the wedding party, you hightail it off to the bathroom so you don't need to sit there watching. You've taught your couple friends that you are a perfectly delightful third wheel.
But under all the coping, you wonder whether you'll ever have an opportunity to open scandalous packages of your own or find someone to slow dance with or have a man that your friend's husband can bro it up with while the four of you hang out.
It's easy.
My life consists of keeping track of precisely one person. I need to make sure that this one person can meet her financial goals and stay healthy and relax as defined by all the things that are important to her. This one person gets to decide where she wants to go on vacation, how much she wants to spend and when the precisely optimal time to travel is based on all the variables that matter to her.
Marriage comes with a lot more complications. I have talked to exactly no one who has every said that marriage is easy. Two schedules? I can barely keep my own schedule from getting too busy. That isn't the most complicated part. And when you throw children in the mix? Don't think that even warrants a discussion.
It's good.
There are moments where I genuinely feel God's blessing in my singleness. I count it an incredible privilege to be in a place where God can use me specifically in this way and specifically because I'm single. I won't dwell on this much longer because I already wrote a blog post on the gift of singleness, but there is a genuine joy that comes from being used by God and bringing glory to Him.
It's a lot of work.
So I genuinely, 100% believe what I wrote about how singleness is good. But. I don't always find myself believing it, especially in those moments that are genuinely hard. Some believers would tell you to just smile and trust Jesus. I won't say that they're wrong, but I don't think that's an easy thing to do.
Finding joy and contentment in singleness takes a lot of work. I think there are a few things that are really key to thriving in singleness:
- Taking your thoughts captive to Christ. You will find so many moments where your mind starts that downward spiral, where you start to feel sorry for yourself or believe that God got it wrong when he made you. Recognize these thoughts and stop them.
- Understanding what God promises and what he does not promise. It can be all too easy to look at how God's blessings are manifested in someone else's life that is different from your own. This coveting can lead to thinking that God has let you down or disappointed you. God promises that he will work all things together for your good, but "your good" may not look how you expect. It often does not look at all how you expect.
- Reflecting on how God has already been faithful in your life. I journal. Sporadically. But most of the journalling in the past has been during times and seasons that I walked through that were really hard. And I love that I journaled through those seasons because I read back on those times, and I see how the things that I struggled with felt as intensely real as things I struggle with now. But now I read through them knowing the ending and seeing God's faithfulness and how he genuinely worked them for my good. When I remind myself of that, I know that whatever I may be facing today, I will look back and see that God was faithful.
- Meditating on God's promises. I love Romans 8. I memorized it. This morning, I woke up and just walked through it before I faced my day. And I felt triumphant as I got to Romans 8:31 and 32: "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all, how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" I know Scripture to be true. I know these promises are true. And I may not feel them all the time, but that is where my hope lies, and I need to walk in it.
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