Raise your hand if you've ever felt like Ashley I (from Bachelor in Paradise).
You meet the (wo)man of your dreams, and you instantly hit it off and all is going well until you realize that things don't seem to be moving in quite the direction you thought it would be at by now... so you get up the nerve to say "hey, [(Wo)Man of Your Dreams], what's happening here?" And (s)he says "I think you're a great friend / I have a boy/girlfriend in another state that I didn't feel the need to tell you about / I'm gay / [insert additional reasons that are a clear indication you're in the friend zone here]."
Ugh, that sucks. Worst feeling, maybe ever.
And often the (Wo)Man of Your Dreams was a total jerk for leading you on and they didn't guard your heart, and that sucks.
I've been there. In my first post, I referenced my "dating" history, and it mainly consisted of meeting a guy, spending a ton of time together, having "the talk", hearing him say that it's not going anywhere and then proceeding to spend as many of my waking hours with him as possible until one of us moves or he starts dating someone else.
I'm not going to let those men off the hook... at least not for anything that happened prior to "the talk." I think it's important that men and women do more to be mindful of how their actions come across to those of the opposite gender that they spend time with.
BUT...
Everything after "the talk", and even some things from before, were on me. When we hold on to a friendship in hopes that it will turn out for something more, we are only setting ourselves up for disappointment.
When I moved to my current city five years ago, I was determined to break the pattern. A few things I've learned:
- Don't spend time alone with someone of the opposite sex unless it's a date, or clearly not a date. And if it's clearly not a date, don't assume it's a plot to spend time alone with you. It generally is what it is. If you ask a guy to help you move, and then treat him to dinner afterwards, it is not a date, and he is not pursuing you. If you ask a girl to help you study for something and you take her for a drink to thank her, it is not a date. If you position something as a group outing and then other people drop out, but it just ends with you and your dream (wo)man... IT IS NOT A DATE.
- Just a quick note, because a lot of girls have said "but I really like having guy friends"... I still have some really great guy friends. We hang out in groups and a lot of them have married my friends, and they are great inputs in my life.
- Don't fantasize. I've been guilty of this. You have a great encounter with someone, and you leave walking on the clouds and you're just so happy. And then after a day or two, that happiness fades. And then you're left with a vacuum where you desperately want to feel that way again... so you start to imagine and create stories. This will always end badly. Life is never going to match your fantasy.
- If (s)he says "no, this isn't happening, we're just friends"... that's it. Move on. The worst thing to do at this point is to continue to pine for someone and hold out hope for things to change.
- Don't settle for a dysfunctional friendship that takes the place of a dating relationship. I've been there. It's so nice to have someone. But you are just driving yourself deeper into disappointment and heartache when you settle for this. Eventually (s)he will find someone and then it will all be gone. Dear friend... we do not deserve anything. I am not entitled to a best friend husband who will be there for me the rest of my days. BUT... you ARE a child of the King. And you need to treat yourself with that level of dignity and not settle for someone who's going to use what they can of you without providing any level of commitment on their part.
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