Are You Tired?

 "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion, on the day of testing in the wilderness, where you fathers put me to the test and saw my works for forty years. Therefore I was provoked with that generation, and said 'They always go astray in their heart; they have not known my ways.' As I swore in my wrath, 'They shall not enter my rest.'"

Hebrews 3:7b-11 (emphasis mine)

If you're familiar with the biblical narrative, you may be aware of the story of the Israelites. They spent centuries in Egypt, growing in number, then eventually being forced into slavery. Through a series of miracles, God freed them from slavery and led them through the wilderness for 40 years, eventually bringing them into the land of Canaan, which we now frequently refer to as the Promised Land.

When I read this passage in Hebrews a few weeks ago, I was wandering through my own spiritual, emotional and mental wilderness. I had spent nearly two decades cherishing the self-reliance that had come from building my life around a commitment to singleness. But last April, the Lord broke my spirit of pride, asked me to surrender that self-reliance, and start to pray that He would send me a husband. I felt immediate freedom, but a year and a half into the journey, I found myself questioning whether that was really from Him, whether my wisdom and own careful plans might be more sufficient than waiting in trust for something that may never happen. Wasn't it better for me to just want singleness if I'm never getting married anyway? But then I read this verse, and the warning not to harden my heart, that if I hardened my heart I would not "enter the rest."

Digging into what that actually meant took me down a much longer path, with much deeper implications than me trusting the Lord with my singleness and desire for marriage, and I'm excited to share what the Lord has been teaching me over a series of blog posts. But given the season that we're in as a people - a season of war and division and brokenness and fear - I wanted to give some encouragement from the Hebrews passage before I dive into the much deeper richness of the wilderness narrative.

"For if Joshua had given them rest, God would not have spoken of another day later on. So then, there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for whoever has entered God's rest has also rested from his works as God did from his." Hebrews 4:8-10

Our rest is ultimately found in the finished work of Christ on the cross. Without knowing and understanding and abiding in this, we will never find rest. In John 19:20, when Jesus dies, he says "It is finished." What was finished? Prior to Jesus, the Israelites observed an elaborate series of ceremonial rituals called the sacrificial system to atone for sin. Christ was the ultimate sacrifice, taking the penalty for sin once and for all.

Although so many of us know this at an intellectual level, we also need to constantly remind ourselves to abide in Jesus and in His rest. The Hebrews passage gives us several practical ways to experience this rest:

• Worship: This passage in Hebrews is quoting Psalm 95, which starts off with praise to our Lord. "Come let us worship and bow down, let us kneel before the Lord our God our maker." (v1) When we are having trouble experiencing rest, we can take our eyes off ourselves and put them on the One who is "a great King above all gods" (v3), who holds the depths of the earth in his hand (v4) and who made the sea and the dry land (v5).
• Community: Hebrews 3:13 tells us to "exhort one another every day, as long as it is called 'today'." If you find it easy to grow tired, to lose faith, to forget your identity in Christ, this is normal! It's why we're commanded to keep telling each other. So we need to draw into a community of believers who can remind us that we can rest in the finished work of Christ.
• Serving: In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus tells us to come to him when we labor and are heavy laden, and he will give us rest. But he doesn't give us a couch and a Netflix subscription when we come to him, he gives us an easier yoke and a lighter burden. Isaiah 55:2 says "Why do you spend... your labor for that which does not satisfy?" One way to find rest is to take on the work that Jesus calls us to, doing it together with Him. (Side note*: this does actually tie into the Hebrews passage, but it would take longer to explain, so see the footnote at the bottom if you're interested.)
• Repentance: Hebrews 3:13 tells us to exhort one another "that none of [us] may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin." Having a regular rhythm of confession and repentance allows us to continue marveling at God's grace (and our rest), and also keeps us from being deceived by sin. In Psalm 139:23-24, David asks the Lord to search him and know his heart. Likewise, we should be asking the Lord to reveal the sin that we can't see. 
• Scripture: Hebrews 4:12 talks about how the word of God is living and active, discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. We must be plugged into the Bible (the written word of God), and abiding in Christ (the Word of God - John 1:1).
• Prayer: I am careful to define prayer here as a two-way street. In Psalm 95, we are referred to as the sheep of his pasture, and then there is a reference to hearing his voice. In John 10, Jesus says his sheep hear his voice. When we pray, we draw close to God in fellowship, and we learn to hear his voice.

There is deep hope for us, no matter how vast the wilderness seems. One of the most striking learnings that came from digging into the wilderness narrative is that it could have ended after two years. After only two years, the Lord showed the people the land He has for them, but they saw the giants in the land and they forgot the strength of their Lord. So he took them through the wilderness for another 38 years until every military-aged Israelite except for Caleb and Joshua (the two spies who saw the giants but also saw their all-powerful God and argued it was time to go conquer Canaan) had died. We are in the Promised Land because of what Christ has done on the cross, but understanding that at a deeper level is necessary for us to learn to truly experience it.

* Hebrews 4:8 talks about how Joshua was not the ultimate Sabbath rest. There is a link between Joshua bringing the people into the Promised Land so that they are not like a "sheep without a shepherd" (Numbers 27:17) and Jesus being the fulfillment of that (Matthew 9:36). Immediately after the link is a verse about praying earnestly for the Lord to send out laborers into his harvest.

Surrender to the Surrendered Lord

 The themes of confession, repentance and surrender have been prominently swirling through my mind and out into my conversations over the past few months. I've been finding myself wanting to exhort both those who are walking with Christ, and those who are not, to just surrender your life to the only One worth surrendering to, and the focus of that exhortation (in my mind) has been to showcase the benefits of surrendering, to talk about how hard it is, to encourage people to persevere.

But as I was walking and contemplating what I wanted to write, I realized we need to start with something far more important.

A lot of people, Christians or otherwise, have this view of God being up in heaven creating arbitrary rules for his own amusement and looking down at us and being like "dance monkey, dance!" We see God as being much like us when we play the Sims: directing our Sim into a swimming pool, going into build mode, and removing the ladder in order to see the animations that come as the Sim helplessly drowns. It's understandable why, with this view, we would be unwilling to climb into the metaphorical pool.

Is this an accurate view of God?

Let's start with the word "Lord." The clearest verse in Scripture that describes what it takes to "become a Christian" might be Romans 10:9, which says "because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Strong's defines the word translated as Lord as "he to whom a person or thing belongs... the owner; one who has control of a person." And so there are two key takeaways: 1) being saved requires a transfer of control over my life from ME to someone else and 2) the one who is Lord is Jesus. It's important that we know that all throughout the New Testament, it is consistently Jesus who is referred to as Lord, and not God the Father.

This is important because...

Back around Christmas I started reading my 4-year-old nephew stories from the Jesus Storybook Bible. As we read, he started to grow really fond of Jesus, and would get excited when we'd get to the end of a story and I would ask "and who is the warrior God was going to send?" (etc. etc. depending on whether we were talking about David and Goliath or Daniel in the Lions' Den) Shortly after Easter, it seemed like it was time to read about what happened to Jesus on Easter, and I had a slight worry about whether I was going to traumatize this poor 4-year-old boy when I had to tell him that his beloved Jesus was going to die, but I trusted the author of the book and the 20 parents who had recommended it, so I read him the stories.

Throughout the entire story, there are references to the fact that Jesus' death by crucifixion was:

• planned long before it happened
• the only way that God could restore His relationship with humanity
• going to be very difficult for Jesus
• the very reason that Jesus came into the world
• an act of surrender: He could have chosen not to go through with it, or to come down from the cross at any moment

And so, when God says "the way to be saved is to surrender to Jesus", He is asking us to surrender to the one who surrendered. We are not surrendering to a God who asks us to obey for His pleasure or amusement; we are surrendering to the Lord who gave far more than what He could ever ask us to give in return.

***

Since this is supposed to be a blog about singleness, I'm going to just awkwardly tack this on here to make it relevant. One of the ways in which many believers are unwilling to surrender is in their behaviors and attitudes around dating, marriage and sex. We don't believe that Jesus satisfies, we think He has forgotten us, and so we justify sin. I could expand on this a lot here but all I want to say for now is: Stop it.

Daydreams, Or, Why Your Crushes Crush You

 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5:27-28

Fellow women, if you're anything like me, it wouldn't surprise me if you admitted that you would kind of halfway tune out whenever this particular sermon topic comes up because... well, it just tends to be guys who struggle with lust and porn, right? We're just total angels when it comes to everything that happens in our minds, righhhh... oh wait.

When it comes to having crushes, I am a seasoned pro. I know how they start, I know how they end, I'm well familiar with all the in-between bits. I would confidently submit to you that I probably have three decades of experience in this department.

Despite all of that, it wasn't until 4-5 years ago that I started to realize that I was doing an absolutely terrible job of having crushes.

I was listening to Matt Chandler's "A Beautiful Design" sermon series and I heard him say "Daydreaming always, always, always, always, always leads to heartbreak."

No one ever really talks about this aspect of crushes and interest because it seems so totally harmless. You may have a really great interaction with the Man of Affection one day and you're all glowing and happy about it, but a few days later, that glowing happiness is gone and you miss it, so you just start innocently filling in the gaps in your mind, conjuring up new images to satisfy that appetite.

Once I realized this thought pattern, I realized that not only was this incredibly dangerous for me, but it also put a wedge in my relationship with whatever man I was crushing on.

Why was it dangerous for me?

Daydreaming sets up expectations that the real world will never meet. When this is the case, I am not positioning myself to be happy and content with whatever God wants to do in my life.

Okay but why did it cause a wedge in my relationships?

Daydreaming puts expectations on a man that he never committed to delivering on. I've been reflecting on a conversation I had recently with one of my guy friends. He had expressed being cautious about how his interactions came across and I applauded him for that care, commenting that I would have less baggage if more guys were like him. I recognize now that this just isn't true. I would have less baggage if I had been careful to better calibrate my expectations to reality. We can't expect every man to stress about whether his behavior could be construed as "flirting" or "interest," much like we get frustrated if we're supposed to measure every hemline* to make sure that we aren't going to "cause men to stumble." We have control over our own thoughts, and that's what we're responsible for.

If you want to do an "Imagination Audit", here are some things you can consider:

• Do you find yourself daydreaming about your crush and interactions you want to have?
• Do you reach out with the hopes of getting a specific response?
• Would you be embarrassed if he could read your thoughts?
• Are you building up expectations about how things are going to turn out?
• Are you spending a lot of time analyzing past interactions?
• When I think about him, am I more concerned with him thriving and flourishing and what God wants for him or about how I want him to make me feel?

I know that last bullet probably seems like an extreme standard for us to hold ourselves to, but when we're saved by grace, God invites us to walk in radical love for one another, and that love can start in our minds.

So what do you do if you find yourself going there in your mind?

Honestly, I just pray. First, I pray for clarity and direction, for me and for him. I pray for anything that I may know he would want prayer for. Finally, I pray Scripture. I've been memorizing the book of Philippians and the first chapter has a great blueprint on how to pray for someone - that his love would abound more and move, that God would give him knowledge and discernment, that he would be sanctified, and that God would be glorified in him. And then, if you're still thinking about him, honestly, it's time to intentionally shift your mind to something else. Again, memorizing Scripture is a great approach here, but honestly it would probably even be healthier to go watch Netflix or read a book or do anything to move your thoughts along.

I write all of this from a place of honesty and vulnerability. I am not a pro at this. It's something that I wish I had been cognizant of decades ago, and I'm still working to better exercise this muscle. That said, there has been a definite shift in my relationships with men since I've begun to intentionally practice this.

And men, I write this to the ladies because I don't have great insight into your minds, but if this applies, by all means, feel free to be praying for your sisters as you navigate your own relationships with us!

*~*~*~*~*~*

*Okay, but quick caveat here that men can also deliberately hurt women and also that we can wear things that we know are not wise. This isn't a hall pass to treat people however you want, but it's a challenge to focus on what you can control, rather than hoping the world will tailor itself to your expectations.

But This I Call to Mind

Well here we are. Week... 10?

I clearly remember Week 1. I had the sneaking suspicion that I was going to be working from home for a while... likely almost a month!... and I determined right off the bat that I was going to create a routine, be disciplined, and manage my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health. So I created guidelines for myself: get in 10k steps per day, no takeout for three weeks because I was GOING to create a habit of cooking (the local economy could wait), stay active, get up at the same time as I used to get up to go into the office, drink enough water, wear REAL PANTS, makeup and a real bra every day, avoid alcohol, and absolutely definitely not going to start a Netflix subscription.

Now that I've built the right habits, I'm not as rigid as I was at the beginning. And for all that I'm about to say, I'm really happy that I did take the time to build those habits to manage my mental health for those four weeks that have turned into (10?) that will likely last until there's a vaccine.

All that said, I've also learned something: you can't discipline your way out of feeling the impact of living through a crisis.

Remember when hugging and handshaking became instantly taboo and we all switched to elbow bumping for a hot minute?

I remember my last elbow bump. It was the last physical interaction I had with anyone that wasn't tinged with trepidation or guilt.

Social distancing during a pandemic comes with unique challenges for single people. I had felt like I had mastered singleness. I was (am) genuinely content, and a big reason for that was because I heeded the biblical call to be part of family. I may not have had kids of my own, but there are kids in my life that I love. Mothers are faced with constant demands on their time, but I felt like I had started to really learn how to slide in and be supportive.

When we suddenly find ourselves living in a socially distanced world, all of that is gone. As a single woman, I feel like I had been playing musical chairs, and I was just dancing to the music and mingling and having fun and everything was totally fine... but then the music stopped. And I found myself suddenly staring at an empty room, with nothing but hours upon hours of Zoom calls to connect me to the world of friendly faces that used to be part of a normal week.

I HAVE to pause here because yes, there are unique challenges for single people in social distancing, but these challenges are just different and not necessarily better or worse than anyone else in any situation. All it takes is one "NO DON'T GO OUT THAT DOOR!" during a work conference call to give me a small taste of what it's like to be a working parent.

So all of this to say that we are living through a crisis, life is not as it "ought" to be right now, and maybe we can't self-discipline our way into managing this season like rockstars.

What does this mean?

The Apostle Paul wrote the book of Philippians while he was in prison. It may be slightly extreme to compare our current plight to the plight of a prisoner, but I think there are definite parallels. Restrictions in where we can go and who we can see, uncertainty about what's next. What I love about the book of Philippians is that it's best characterized as being a book about joy.

The word "joy" may carry baggage for some who grew up in the church. We may have been told at times to just be happy because we have Jesus and he's in control and he makes things better. We may feel like we're somehow not actually Christians if we don't naturally face life's trials with a smile on our face, so many of us may have learned to just fake it. I know that even in the past week, as I've struggled with feeling down or frustrated, I've literally told myself "I don't know what the problem is. I'm trying to think about all the right things."

When I re-read Philippians 4 early in this season, what struck me is that Paul frequently references the need to focus our minds. In verse 4: "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice." In verse 6: "Do not be anxious about anything". And in verse 8, we get a whole list of things that we should be thinking about: "whatever is true... honorable... just... pure... lovely... commendable".

A friend then directed me to Lamentations, because it felt appropriate for the season. You may recognize one of the most famous verses from Lamentations from the hymn "Great is Thy Faithfulness." As I read Lamentations, I realized we went through two and a half chapters of Jeremiah complaining about what was going on until we hit this oft-overlooked verse: "But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope..." (Lam. 3:21) Jeremiah had to consciously remind himself to focus on joy and God's goodness.

Joy is something that must be cultivated; it doesn't come naturally. It also isn't something that we can "level up" on and then just keep. We need to be constantly renewing our minds (Romans 12:2). We need to expect that our thoughts will drift, that life will be hard. And we need to give ourselves the same grace that Jesus Christ extended to us. We are not going to handle this perfectly, but by the grace of God, we can keep getting up again.

One really practical tip that has gotten me out of the deepest of funks during this season: think about what you're thankful for. I've done this in a few ways. First, I have a text thread with my family, and every day, we pop in there and share three things that we're thankful for. Second, when I find myself in an exceptional mood that I can't exercise or theologize my way out of, I just start thanking God for everything I can think of.

So. Stop pressuring yourself. Know that life is hard right now (for all of us). And be thankful despite the sweet blessings of life that we're missing out on... but also because of the unexpected joys that come from a mandated slowdown to our otherwise busy schedules.

Happy Valentine's Day!

If one were to accuse me of being a Valentine's Day Grinch, there would be no shortage of evidence from past February 14ths to convict me. I spent much of my life wondering why there was a holiday devoted to the sole purpose of reminding me that I'm all alone and have no one to send me flowers.

This year is different and I love it.

No, I haven't "found a man", but I would say that in a way, I did "find love." It happened in December as I was watching an insanely cheesy holiday romcom and I realized that the story told throughout chick flicks is actually our story. The feelings that are stirred up in us when we think about romance, rather than being unrealistic or silly as I had always been taught, are actually inklings of what is truly to come. It is not that they are unrealistic, it is simply a matter of the timing being further out than 13-year-old me may have thought.

So this year, I've embraced it. It makes me feel warm inside to see men carrying bouquets home to their significant others. I love that everyone is making their declarations of love on Instagram because marriage is a beautiful thing and worthy of being celebrated. My heart warmed this afternoon as I looked in the mail slot and saw a Valentine addressed to me from one of my favorite two-year-olds.

I know it can feel tough for all of us. But sometimes these hard times can point us to something bigger and something deeper.

In this the love of God was made manifest amount us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 1 John 4:9-10

(I also just want to let you know, in case you're worried about me publishing a blog post on a Valentine's Friday night, that I am minutes away from heading out the door to see friends. My non-existent cats which I would be allergic to anyway are going to have to wait for another night.)

'Tis the Season for Romcoms

Something suddenly dawned on me as I groaned outwardly but inwardly squealed with delight as the male and female leads finally ended up together at the end of some otherwise nondescript Christmas romcom: This is actually true. 

For a long time, I've been outwardly critical of romantic comedies:

• nothing ever actually happens this way, 
• no man is like that, 
• why is the wedding the happy ending when we know the first year of marriage is really hard? 

And yet, every year, we (I'll implicate all of you since I KNOW other people watch them!) flock to the Christmas romantic comedies as one of the most telltale signs of the season. It doesn't matter if you canceled cable and no longer have access to all your favorite childhood stars in the Hallmark movies, pick a streaming service and there will be an abundance of Christmas-themed shows about a man and a woman finding love under the mistletoe on Christmas Eve.

We all have an explicit agreement that they are unrealistic and cheesy, and yet implicitly, we are drawn to watching them (if evidenced only by the fact they pump out new ones year after year). 

Could it be that we want them to be true?

 In Til We Have Faces, CS Lewis writes "It was when I was happiest that I longed most... And because it was beautiful, it set me longing, always longing. Somewhere else, there must be more of it."

What is the romcom storyline? The son of a business mogul, willing to give up his inheritance for love. A poor woman, unsure that she is worthy of love, longing to be freed from the slavery she finds herself in under her wicked cousin. (Think: Cinderella). This is our story.

Think about it. The whole storyline is this longing and yearning to at last realize that moment in which it all comes together, when that inkling we've felt reaches its conclusion and love at last feels solid and secure and permanent. All of the love interest's flaws become irrelevant or redeemed when they are at last loved by another. And to symbolize the commitment and permanence of this love, it all ends with a wedding. A marriage. A commitment.

This is us.

I am all too aware of my own flaws. All too self-conscious about the fact that the God of the Universe gave up his inheritance to come down and love me. All too undeserving. I spend my life wanting to believe it's true because I long to be loved like that. But I dodge my Bridegroom's love because I'm insecure. I am living in the middle of that romcom.

But the best is yet to come.

As I mentioned earlier, I've thought it was dangerous when fairy tales and chick flicks ended with a wedding. "It's so unrealistic!" But actually, isn't it more realistic than anything else? The Bible ends with a wedding. The wedding supper of the Lamb. In this wedding supper, the separation between Christ and the church are at long last OVER. It's the ending that we dream of... because it's the ending that is coming.

I used to think that chick flicks were dangerous. I thought they would set me up for disappointment. I thought they would take my mind to a place that reality could never deliver on. And this is all true if I'm looking for that in a man here on earth. Men on earth will never read my mind or pursue me as boldly, and if I think that being loved by one will rid me of my insecurity, I'm setting myself up for failure and disappointment... but that's because the love that is so imperfectly illustrated through the love of a man and woman here on earth is just a picture of the perfect love that God has for us.

"In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins." 1 John 4:9,10

As we start the advent season today, we start with Hope.

Friends... if you already have this hope in your life, reflect on it. Remember that all you long for is ultimately a longing for God, for something that is promised.

If you have never accepted the grace that Jesus extends, and have somehow read this far, I would invite you to examine your heart in this season. There is no doubt in my own mind that I long for something beyond myself. It is impossible to shake the knowledge that I am flawed. And yet there is a God who loved me so much and longed for a relationship with me and he freely gave his own Son to be reconciled to me. (Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.") I know that it's offensive for us to think we or others are sinners, and I'm not going to debate that point. I would just challenge you to think deeply and look deeply. Could it be true that you're longing to be loved despite all your flaws? To experience, in reality, what your heart rejoices at in the end of a chick flick? What if it IS true? This love, grace, relationship is a free gift offered to us if only we'll accept it.

And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
Revelation 21:2-5

What Purity Culture Gave Me, Ironically: Sexual Freedom

What emerged from the rubble of purity culture was a series of divergent trends.

My own path included discovering the gospel again, finding community that was built on the gospel, and falling in love with Jesus and the Bible in a new and fresh way.

Many others, quite understandably, became disillusioned with the church and simply walked away because it had no beauty or relevance in their lives. (Side note: if this is you, and where you're at isn't working for you, I would invite you to explore again what is on offer for you through the gospel. gospelinlife.com might be a place to start)

And then there was a third group. The third group is made up of myriad subgroups, but I'll lump them  together and describe them as those who still hold to the Christian faith but have determined that they no longer feel the need to hold to a traditional, biblical sexual ethic*. The subgroups include those who just don't think biblical teaching on sex is relevant, those who have re-interpreted the Bible as saying something different about sex, and those who do believe what the Bible says about sex but have decided it isn't a big deal and would rather just follow their own path in that regard.

This post is designed to address those who adhere to the third group: those who will get on national television, talk about how important their faith is, and then proudly proclaim "I've had sex but Jesus still loves me." Those like Nadia Bolz-Weber who writes "Whatever sexual flourishing looks like for you, that's what I would love to see happen in your life."

Before I dive in further, I recognize this is a difficult topic with a lot of nuances in terms of how it plays out, but I would suggest that what God invites us to with his teaching and instruction on sex is an invitation for all. It's an invitation to me in my singleness. It's an invitation to those who have a long and varied sexual past. It's an invitation to those whose gender identities don't match their anatomy. It's an invitation for those who experience patterns of attraction for the same sex. And it's an invitation for those who have a more traditional path in the context of a monogamous, heterosexual marriage.

It's obviously impossible to compare my own sexual journey with that of someone who's had a different experience, but there are other areas of my life where I've experienced a distinction between what I thought was freedom and what I later learned was actual freedom.

A year and a half ago, I weighed about 90 lbs more than I do now. I thought freedom meant being able to have bites and nibbles of whatever I wanted. I thought freedom meant sitting down on the couch eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's. I thought freedom meant ordering whatever takeout appealed to me on that particular day.

One of my coworkers was doing this nutrition program, and it sounded incredibly restrictive. There were spreadsheets involved, and planning, and a coach, and weighing of food.

However, I got back from a trip to Italy and just realized I didn't like being the size that I was. I signed up for the program. I learned how to plan and track my food. I learned how to balance my priorities between food and life.

And I found something I never thought I'd find: freedom.

Not freedom to eat whatever I wanted. Freedom to run and hike and jump. Freedom to shop in clothing stores that didn't carry specialty sizes. Freedom to have more energy to tackle the day. Freedom to have the occasional serving of ice cream (101g).

As I reflected on this transformation, I realized there were other areas of my life where I "restricted my freedom" through discipline and found true freedom: budgeting and financial management, studying in school, getting a full 8 hours of sleep every night.

It suddenly dawned on me that there are basically no important areas of life where we can just follow our natural desires and experience success. We actually need to shape our desires and our habits in order to truly experience freedom. I never, ever used to want to workout. It was never something I craved. But now that I have spent years building it into my routine, I do find myself with an actual desire for exercise.

So why have we let ourselves get talked into believing that sex is different?

A quick caveat: I'm about to make an argument based on my personal experiences about why I see God's commands for sex being good, but I also believe that the most important reason to walk in obedience is simply because we're called to walk in obedience. God's commands don't always make sense, but when we love him and desire to have a relationship with him and trust that he loves us, sometimes that needs to be reason enough when we don't understand it.

Anyway.

I was recently talking to a coworker about the fact that I actually enjoy being single. Inevitably, he asks "but what about ... ?" (because we are both well versed in our Safe and Respectful Workplace policy) I realized that, yes, I have sexual desires, but these desires don't control me. And I think there's a ton of freedom in that. I don't need to go scramble to find a man to satisfy that urge (or have it constantly at the top of my mind) if it's been too long. I don't need to settle for the wrong man to marry just because I absolutely have to have sex. I have the freedom to just walk down the path that God has called me, and experience peace and joy.

One of the things that has been important in my nutrition journey has been making sure that I have foods that I enjoy on a regular basis. On Thursdays, there is often dessert at our community group, and what I found is that if I didn't plan for it, my willpower was weak by the time Thursday night rolled around, and I would have cake anyway (and have too much of it!). During work on Thursdays, there are often a ton of temptations. My boss, for example, once brought in a bunch of delicious-looking bagels. Knowing that I was going to have cake that night allowed me to say no and stay on plan. It allowed me to enjoy what I wanted to enjoy while staying true to other goals.

What the purity culture got wrong was that it promised that the fulfillment of all our sexual desires would be realized on the wedding night.

Our sexual desires do point us to something that we will ALL realize through the gospel, whether we marry and have sex on earth or whether we remain celibate. Those desires are meant to point us to Christ, and when we at last experience true fellowship with him, those desires will be realized in an ultimately satisfying way.

And so, I invite you, walk in true freedom. This freedom is available to all of us, no matter where we've been.

*Traditional, biblical sexual ethic being defined as sex being created as a good gift to bind together a man and woman in the context of a covenantal marriage relationship