My own path included discovering the gospel again, finding community that was built on the gospel, and falling in love with Jesus and the Bible in a new and fresh way.
Many others, quite understandably, became disillusioned with the church and simply walked away because it had no beauty or relevance in their lives. (Side note: if this is you, and where you're at isn't working for you, I would invite you to explore again what is on offer for you through the gospel. gospelinlife.com might be a place to start)
And then there was a third group. The third group is made up of myriad subgroups, but I'll lump them together and describe them as those who still hold to the Christian faith but have determined that they no longer feel the need to hold to a traditional, biblical sexual ethic*. The subgroups include those who just don't think biblical teaching on sex is relevant, those who have re-interpreted the Bible as saying something different about sex, and those who do believe what the Bible says about sex but have decided it isn't a big deal and would rather just follow their own path in that regard.
This post is designed to address those who adhere to the third group: those who will get on national television, talk about how important their faith is, and then proudly proclaim "I've had sex but Jesus still loves me." Those like Nadia Bolz-Weber who writes "Whatever sexual flourishing looks like for you, that's what I would love to see happen in your life."
Before I dive in further, I recognize this is a difficult topic with a lot of nuances in terms of how it plays out, but I would suggest that what God invites us to with his teaching and instruction on sex is an invitation for all. It's an invitation to me in my singleness. It's an invitation to those who have a long and varied sexual past. It's an invitation to those whose gender identities don't match their anatomy. It's an invitation for those who experience patterns of attraction for the same sex. And it's an invitation for those who have a more traditional path in the context of a monogamous, heterosexual marriage.
It's obviously impossible to compare my own sexual journey with that of someone who's had a different experience, but there are other areas of my life where I've experienced a distinction between what I thought was freedom and what I later learned was actual freedom.
A year and a half ago, I weighed about 90 lbs more than I do now. I thought freedom meant being able to have bites and nibbles of whatever I wanted. I thought freedom meant sitting down on the couch eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's. I thought freedom meant ordering whatever takeout appealed to me on that particular day.
One of my coworkers was doing this nutrition program, and it sounded incredibly restrictive. There were spreadsheets involved, and planning, and a coach, and weighing of food.
However, I got back from a trip to Italy and just realized I didn't like being the size that I was. I signed up for the program. I learned how to plan and track my food. I learned how to balance my priorities between food and life.
And I found something I never thought I'd find: freedom.
Not freedom to eat whatever I wanted. Freedom to run and hike and jump. Freedom to shop in clothing stores that didn't carry specialty sizes. Freedom to have more energy to tackle the day. Freedom to have the occasional serving of ice cream (101g).
As I reflected on this transformation, I realized there were other areas of my life where I "restricted my freedom" through discipline and found true freedom: budgeting and financial management, studying in school, getting a full 8 hours of sleep every night.
It suddenly dawned on me that there are basically no important areas of life where we can just follow our natural desires and experience success. We actually need to shape our desires and our habits in order to truly experience freedom. I never, ever used to want to workout. It was never something I craved. But now that I have spent years building it into my routine, I do find myself with an actual desire for exercise.
So why have we let ourselves get talked into believing that sex is different?
A quick caveat: I'm about to make an argument based on my personal experiences about why I see God's commands for sex being good, but I also believe that the most important reason to walk in obedience is simply because we're called to walk in obedience. God's commands don't always make sense, but when we love him and desire to have a relationship with him and trust that he loves us, sometimes that needs to be reason enough when we don't understand it.
Anyway.
I was recently talking to a coworker about the fact that I actually enjoy being single. Inevitably, he asks "but what about ... ?" (because we are both well versed in our Safe and Respectful Workplace policy) I realized that, yes, I have sexual desires, but these desires don't control me. And I think there's a ton of freedom in that. I don't need to go scramble to find a man to satisfy that urge (or have it constantly at the top of my mind) if it's been too long. I don't need to settle for the wrong man to marry just because I absolutely have to have sex. I have the freedom to just walk down the path that God has called me, and experience peace and joy.
One of the things that has been important in my nutrition journey has been making sure that I have foods that I enjoy on a regular basis. On Thursdays, there is often dessert at our community group, and what I found is that if I didn't plan for it, my willpower was weak by the time Thursday night rolled around, and I would have cake anyway (and have too much of it!). During work on Thursdays, there are often a ton of temptations. My boss, for example, once brought in a bunch of delicious-looking bagels. Knowing that I was going to have cake that night allowed me to say no and stay on plan. It allowed me to enjoy what I wanted to enjoy while staying true to other goals.
What the purity culture got wrong was that it promised that the fulfillment of all our sexual desires would be realized on the wedding night.
Our sexual desires do point us to something that we will ALL realize through the gospel, whether we marry and have sex on earth or whether we remain celibate. Those desires are meant to point us to Christ, and when we at last experience true fellowship with him, those desires will be realized in an ultimately satisfying way.
And so, I invite you, walk in true freedom. This freedom is available to all of us, no matter where we've been.
*Traditional, biblical sexual ethic being defined as sex being created as a good gift to bind together a man and woman in the context of a covenantal marriage relationship
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