Daydreams, Or, Why Your Crushes Crush You

 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5:27-28

Fellow women, if you're anything like me, it wouldn't surprise me if you admitted that you would kind of halfway tune out whenever this particular sermon topic comes up because... well, it just tends to be guys who struggle with lust and porn, right? We're just total angels when it comes to everything that happens in our minds, righhhh... oh wait.

When it comes to having crushes, I am a seasoned pro. I know how they start, I know how they end, I'm well familiar with all the in-between bits. I would confidently submit to you that I probably have three decades of experience in this department.

Despite all of that, it wasn't until 4-5 years ago that I started to realize that I was doing an absolutely terrible job of having crushes.

I was listening to Matt Chandler's "A Beautiful Design" sermon series and I heard him say "Daydreaming always, always, always, always, always leads to heartbreak."

No one ever really talks about this aspect of crushes and interest because it seems so totally harmless. You may have a really great interaction with the Man of Affection one day and you're all glowing and happy about it, but a few days later, that glowing happiness is gone and you miss it, so you just start innocently filling in the gaps in your mind, conjuring up new images to satisfy that appetite.

Once I realized this thought pattern, I realized that not only was this incredibly dangerous for me, but it also put a wedge in my relationship with whatever man I was crushing on.

Why was it dangerous for me?

Daydreaming sets up expectations that the real world will never meet. When this is the case, I am not positioning myself to be happy and content with whatever God wants to do in my life.

Okay but why did it cause a wedge in my relationships?

Daydreaming puts expectations on a man that he never committed to delivering on. I've been reflecting on a conversation I had recently with one of my guy friends. He had expressed being cautious about how his interactions came across and I applauded him for that care, commenting that I would have less baggage if more guys were like him. I recognize now that this just isn't true. I would have less baggage if I had been careful to better calibrate my expectations to reality. We can't expect every man to stress about whether his behavior could be construed as "flirting" or "interest," much like we get frustrated if we're supposed to measure every hemline* to make sure that we aren't going to "cause men to stumble." We have control over our own thoughts, and that's what we're responsible for.

If you want to do an "Imagination Audit", here are some things you can consider:

• Do you find yourself daydreaming about your crush and interactions you want to have?
• Do you reach out with the hopes of getting a specific response?
• Would you be embarrassed if he could read your thoughts?
• Are you building up expectations about how things are going to turn out?
• Are you spending a lot of time analyzing past interactions?
• When I think about him, am I more concerned with him thriving and flourishing and what God wants for him or about how I want him to make me feel?

I know that last bullet probably seems like an extreme standard for us to hold ourselves to, but when we're saved by grace, God invites us to walk in radical love for one another, and that love can start in our minds.

So what do you do if you find yourself going there in your mind?

Honestly, I just pray. First, I pray for clarity and direction, for me and for him. I pray for anything that I may know he would want prayer for. Finally, I pray Scripture. I've been memorizing the book of Philippians and the first chapter has a great blueprint on how to pray for someone - that his love would abound more and move, that God would give him knowledge and discernment, that he would be sanctified, and that God would be glorified in him. And then, if you're still thinking about him, honestly, it's time to intentionally shift your mind to something else. Again, memorizing Scripture is a great approach here, but honestly it would probably even be healthier to go watch Netflix or read a book or do anything to move your thoughts along.

I write all of this from a place of honesty and vulnerability. I am not a pro at this. It's something that I wish I had been cognizant of decades ago, and I'm still working to better exercise this muscle. That said, there has been a definite shift in my relationships with men since I've begun to intentionally practice this.

And men, I write this to the ladies because I don't have great insight into your minds, but if this applies, by all means, feel free to be praying for your sisters as you navigate your own relationships with us!

*~*~*~*~*~*

*Okay, but quick caveat here that men can also deliberately hurt women and also that we can wear things that we know are not wise. This isn't a hall pass to treat people however you want, but it's a challenge to focus on what you can control, rather than hoping the world will tailor itself to your expectations.