'Tis the Season for Romcoms

Something suddenly dawned on me as I groaned outwardly but inwardly squealed with delight as the male and female leads finally ended up together at the end of some otherwise nondescript Christmas romcom: This is actually true. 

For a long time, I've been outwardly critical of romantic comedies:

• nothing ever actually happens this way, 
• no man is like that, 
• why is the wedding the happy ending when we know the first year of marriage is really hard? 

And yet, every year, we (I'll implicate all of you since I KNOW other people watch them!) flock to the Christmas romantic comedies as one of the most telltale signs of the season. It doesn't matter if you canceled cable and no longer have access to all your favorite childhood stars in the Hallmark movies, pick a streaming service and there will be an abundance of Christmas-themed shows about a man and a woman finding love under the mistletoe on Christmas Eve.

We all have an explicit agreement that they are unrealistic and cheesy, and yet implicitly, we are drawn to watching them (if evidenced only by the fact they pump out new ones year after year). 

Could it be that we want them to be true?

 In Til We Have Faces, CS Lewis writes "It was when I was happiest that I longed most... And because it was beautiful, it set me longing, always longing. Somewhere else, there must be more of it."

What is the romcom storyline? The son of a business mogul, willing to give up his inheritance for love. A poor woman, unsure that she is worthy of love, longing to be freed from the slavery she finds herself in under her wicked cousin. (Think: Cinderella). This is our story.

Think about it. The whole storyline is this longing and yearning to at last realize that moment in which it all comes together, when that inkling we've felt reaches its conclusion and love at last feels solid and secure and permanent. All of the love interest's flaws become irrelevant or redeemed when they are at last loved by another. And to symbolize the commitment and permanence of this love, it all ends with a wedding. A marriage. A commitment.

This is us.

I am all too aware of my own flaws. All too self-conscious about the fact that the God of the Universe gave up his inheritance to come down and love me. All too undeserving. I spend my life wanting to believe it's true because I long to be loved like that. But I dodge my Bridegroom's love because I'm insecure. I am living in the middle of that romcom.

But the best is yet to come.

As I mentioned earlier, I've thought it was dangerous when fairy tales and chick flicks ended with a wedding. "It's so unrealistic!" But actually, isn't it more realistic than anything else? The Bible ends with a wedding. The wedding supper of the Lamb. In this wedding supper, the separation between Christ and the church are at long last OVER. It's the ending that we dream of... because it's the ending that is coming.

I used to think that chick flicks were dangerous. I thought they would set me up for disappointment. I thought they would take my mind to a place that reality could never deliver on. And this is all true if I'm looking for that in a man here on earth. Men on earth will never read my mind or pursue me as boldly, and if I think that being loved by one will rid me of my insecurity, I'm setting myself up for failure and disappointment... but that's because the love that is so imperfectly illustrated through the love of a man and woman here on earth is just a picture of the perfect love that God has for us.

"In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins." 1 John 4:9,10

As we start the advent season today, we start with Hope.

Friends... if you already have this hope in your life, reflect on it. Remember that all you long for is ultimately a longing for God, for something that is promised.

If you have never accepted the grace that Jesus extends, and have somehow read this far, I would invite you to examine your heart in this season. There is no doubt in my own mind that I long for something beyond myself. It is impossible to shake the knowledge that I am flawed. And yet there is a God who loved me so much and longed for a relationship with me and he freely gave his own Son to be reconciled to me. (Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.") I know that it's offensive for us to think we or others are sinners, and I'm not going to debate that point. I would just challenge you to think deeply and look deeply. Could it be true that you're longing to be loved despite all your flaws? To experience, in reality, what your heart rejoices at in the end of a chick flick? What if it IS true? This love, grace, relationship is a free gift offered to us if only we'll accept it.

And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."
Revelation 21:2-5

What Purity Culture Gave Me, Ironically: Sexual Freedom

What emerged from the rubble of purity culture was a series of divergent trends.

My own path included discovering the gospel again, finding community that was built on the gospel, and falling in love with Jesus and the Bible in a new and fresh way.

Many others, quite understandably, became disillusioned with the church and simply walked away because it had no beauty or relevance in their lives. (Side note: if this is you, and where you're at isn't working for you, I would invite you to explore again what is on offer for you through the gospel. gospelinlife.com might be a place to start)

And then there was a third group. The third group is made up of myriad subgroups, but I'll lump them  together and describe them as those who still hold to the Christian faith but have determined that they no longer feel the need to hold to a traditional, biblical sexual ethic*. The subgroups include those who just don't think biblical teaching on sex is relevant, those who have re-interpreted the Bible as saying something different about sex, and those who do believe what the Bible says about sex but have decided it isn't a big deal and would rather just follow their own path in that regard.

This post is designed to address those who adhere to the third group: those who will get on national television, talk about how important their faith is, and then proudly proclaim "I've had sex but Jesus still loves me." Those like Nadia Bolz-Weber who writes "Whatever sexual flourishing looks like for you, that's what I would love to see happen in your life."

Before I dive in further, I recognize this is a difficult topic with a lot of nuances in terms of how it plays out, but I would suggest that what God invites us to with his teaching and instruction on sex is an invitation for all. It's an invitation to me in my singleness. It's an invitation to those who have a long and varied sexual past. It's an invitation to those whose gender identities don't match their anatomy. It's an invitation for those who experience patterns of attraction for the same sex. And it's an invitation for those who have a more traditional path in the context of a monogamous, heterosexual marriage.

It's obviously impossible to compare my own sexual journey with that of someone who's had a different experience, but there are other areas of my life where I've experienced a distinction between what I thought was freedom and what I later learned was actual freedom.

A year and a half ago, I weighed about 90 lbs more than I do now. I thought freedom meant being able to have bites and nibbles of whatever I wanted. I thought freedom meant sitting down on the couch eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's. I thought freedom meant ordering whatever takeout appealed to me on that particular day.

One of my coworkers was doing this nutrition program, and it sounded incredibly restrictive. There were spreadsheets involved, and planning, and a coach, and weighing of food.

However, I got back from a trip to Italy and just realized I didn't like being the size that I was. I signed up for the program. I learned how to plan and track my food. I learned how to balance my priorities between food and life.

And I found something I never thought I'd find: freedom.

Not freedom to eat whatever I wanted. Freedom to run and hike and jump. Freedom to shop in clothing stores that didn't carry specialty sizes. Freedom to have more energy to tackle the day. Freedom to have the occasional serving of ice cream (101g).

As I reflected on this transformation, I realized there were other areas of my life where I "restricted my freedom" through discipline and found true freedom: budgeting and financial management, studying in school, getting a full 8 hours of sleep every night.

It suddenly dawned on me that there are basically no important areas of life where we can just follow our natural desires and experience success. We actually need to shape our desires and our habits in order to truly experience freedom. I never, ever used to want to workout. It was never something I craved. But now that I have spent years building it into my routine, I do find myself with an actual desire for exercise.

So why have we let ourselves get talked into believing that sex is different?

A quick caveat: I'm about to make an argument based on my personal experiences about why I see God's commands for sex being good, but I also believe that the most important reason to walk in obedience is simply because we're called to walk in obedience. God's commands don't always make sense, but when we love him and desire to have a relationship with him and trust that he loves us, sometimes that needs to be reason enough when we don't understand it.

Anyway.

I was recently talking to a coworker about the fact that I actually enjoy being single. Inevitably, he asks "but what about ... ?" (because we are both well versed in our Safe and Respectful Workplace policy) I realized that, yes, I have sexual desires, but these desires don't control me. And I think there's a ton of freedom in that. I don't need to go scramble to find a man to satisfy that urge (or have it constantly at the top of my mind) if it's been too long. I don't need to settle for the wrong man to marry just because I absolutely have to have sex. I have the freedom to just walk down the path that God has called me, and experience peace and joy.

One of the things that has been important in my nutrition journey has been making sure that I have foods that I enjoy on a regular basis. On Thursdays, there is often dessert at our community group, and what I found is that if I didn't plan for it, my willpower was weak by the time Thursday night rolled around, and I would have cake anyway (and have too much of it!). During work on Thursdays, there are often a ton of temptations. My boss, for example, once brought in a bunch of delicious-looking bagels. Knowing that I was going to have cake that night allowed me to say no and stay on plan. It allowed me to enjoy what I wanted to enjoy while staying true to other goals.

What the purity culture got wrong was that it promised that the fulfillment of all our sexual desires would be realized on the wedding night.

Our sexual desires do point us to something that we will ALL realize through the gospel, whether we marry and have sex on earth or whether we remain celibate. Those desires are meant to point us to Christ, and when we at last experience true fellowship with him, those desires will be realized in an ultimately satisfying way.

And so, I invite you, walk in true freedom. This freedom is available to all of us, no matter where we've been.

*Traditional, biblical sexual ethic being defined as sex being created as a good gift to bind together a man and woman in the context of a covenantal marriage relationship

Let's Talk About Sex

Thoughts have been percolating in my mind for several months now, but two recent highly profiled events have finally prompted me to find a way to articulate those thoughts.

The first event is that on a popular reality television show, the phrase "I've had sex and Jesus still loves me" made its way into three episodes in a row.

The second event is that one of the archetypes of the purity movement, an author of a book with rigid guidelines for dating "purely" has recanted his book, left his marriage and walked away from his faith.

So.

I want to talk a little bit about how I viewed my faith as I was growing up, and I want to do it in a way that still honors the spiritual leaders in my life for that phase because I don't think it is emblematic of any particular leadership, but rather a collective subculture that I experienced not just in my own youth group, but across the church, across other churches in my city, across Canada, and, as I'm slowly learning, across the US as well. So when I see prominent leaders from that era "deconstructing" their faith, I have to acknowledge that I experienced a "reconstruction" of my own faith around nine years ago that has been absolutely pivotal to my life and how I view my faith.

As a child, I was taught the gospel. Not only did I understand that Jesus died for my sins and I had to confess them and ask him to "come into my heart" in order to go to heaven, I could also use ten different methods for describing the gospel. I could draw out the bridge, or walk you through the Romans Road, or use colored beads on a bracelet. I knew it.

The challenge was that we had a tendency to put the gospel on the shelf after we "prayed the prayer" and then shift the focus in our faith to all the rules of what it looked like to be a "good Christian." There was a definite hierarchy of rules: sex outside of marriage and drunkenness were entirely taboo. Swearing, too. But in this world of quasi-earned favor, several other sins were not only acceptable, but completely required for self-justification: gossip (everyone else has to know about someone else's sin!), self-righteousness, pride (because look at how well I can follow the rules!).

The purity culture played really well into this line of thinking. We had pledge cards to sign in order to show how committed we were in our faith. There were rings to wear (full disclosure: I have mine and I know where it is). The purity culture highlighted the teaching of: if I walk in obedience in this way, then God will reward me. The prizes were a perfect godly spouse and amazing, mind-blowing sex immediately after marriage.

Purity was binary. Either we were fully in-tact white flowers, or we were trampled and only had pieces of ourselves to give.

The author who recently announced that he no longer considered himself a Christian on Instagram is really just a 15-years-later version of what I've seen play out with so many people I knew growing up in the Christian subculture. It was easy enough to either follow the rules, or give appearance of following the rules, as long as your life fit in the box: surrounded by Christians at youth group and in your high school Christian club (we literally had a hallway that one of my classmates dubbed "the church hallway"), then off to Bible school, then off to university and the Christian club there while simultaneously attending college and career events at church. Those "actual" sins could be easily avoided and we could take pride in our excellent behavior as we gossiped about the people who messed up.

Then real life started. The much-promised spouse did not arrive. Or worse - they did arrive and none of the purity culture prepared anyone for actual marriage. The best marriages are really hard, and the bad ones are devastating. We left the Christian bubble and found out that not only do a lot of very reasonable people drink, but a little wine even "gladdens the heart"! Suddenly this framework in which we just followed the rules didn't hold up anymore because the rules promised us something they never delivered on. We were left without a framework to navigate the world and with a pile of shame as we realized the level of self-righteousness we had operated out of for so long.

The pendulum needed to swing. Purity culture may have had good intentions, but it fully missed the grace part of the gospel. It made us think that any of us are actually pure, when the reality is that we are all sinners in need of grace.

But the pendulum swung too far, to a world where a woman can talk about what a strong Christian she is and then proudly proclaim multiple times on national television about having sex four times in a windmill, and then talk about how "Jesus still loves" her. And again, I use this example because it's been prominent in popular culture, but it just typifies what I've seen play out many times.

(Quick note: Jesus does still love her. This is absolutely correct.)

I just might suggest that in his love for us, Jesus invites us to something else. If purity culture was all "truth" and no grace, then hookup culture is all "grace" and no truth. But the gospel is both. John 1:14 says "And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth."

Jesus loved the sinners. Radically. He engaged deeply with the woman in Samaria who was so ashamed about her life that she made the arduous trek to the well during the hottest part of the day so she could avoid the disapproving crowds (John 4). He scared off the condemners of a woman who was caught red-handed in adultery and made it clear he didn't condemn her (John 8). He counted prostitutes among his close friends.

The other thing that is clear in Scripture is that we can stop pretending in our pride that we've hit the mark. My level of sexual activity does not make me "pure" before God. I have sinned. You have sinned. The jig is up, we can stop stressing about our facade.

In the "reconstruction" of my own faith, I found the gospel again. I discovered that it wasn't a one-time ticket-punching prayer, but instead a way to completely reframe my life. I wasn't just a sinner once and in need of repentance back then. I am wholly covered in grace and there is joy and peace in walking in this ongoing dynamic of recognizing that I need Jesus on a constant, ongoing basis in my life.

And as we come before God with our prideful messed-up selves, he invites us to something more than just a ticket to heaven. He gives us more than just a clean slate from all our past, present and future sins. He gives us a relationship with him, and that relationship comes with a love letter. And in that love letter, he shows us a way to live that is richer, fuller, and leads to peace. It is admittedly counter-intuitive (Proverbs 14:12 "There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death."). It tells us to do things like love our enemies, to forgive wrongs, to be patient.

It also talks about sex. And it makes no specific promises about sexual fulfillment or marital bliss, but it suggests that there is a better way that will lead to our thriving and flourishing.

Back to the Samaritan woman: Jesus tells her "whoever drinks of the water I give him will never be thirsty again" (John 4:14a)... he invites her to something deeper than the string of broken relationships she carried behind her.

The woman caught in adultery: Jesus tells her "go, and from now on sin no more." (John 8:11)

The biblical teachings on sex are not a condemnation, but an invitation. They don't distinguish between us as trampled flowers or in-tact flowers. They don't declare some of us "straight" and others of us "skewed." But they do invite us to trust God out of the loving relationship that we have and to see if there might be a way to walk that is better than what the world offers us.

This is Why You're Single

As you grow older, your perspectives on your singleness start to shift.

The first weddings out of high school, you feel a twinge of sadness that you didn't find your own high school sweetheart because weddings are so romantic and bridal showers are so fun, but you also feel like the people who get married at 18 are not particularly typical and so you may experience a twinge of jealousy but you also figure that you have to go through college and find that job and maybe live somewhere other than your parents' house before the time comes.

By the age of 25, if you grew up somewhere other than a very cosmopolitan town and your friends are all from church, you find yourself suddenly as the old maid as the last of your single friends get married. At this point, it's actually embarrassing to go up for the bouquet toss with all the 18-year-olds but your friends still insist on calling you out and forcing you on the floor (at which point you stand with your arms crossed and dodge the bouquet if it comes firing in your direction).

Until the age of 28, you can answer all the relatives who ask you why you're still single by telling them that you haven't even reached the median age of marriage so why so much pressure?

By your early 30s, you've decided that perhaps a cosmopolitan town might just be a better fit, so you've invested in your career and moved to a larger city where you're still relatively "normal" in your singleness but it doesn't take long before all the new single friends you've made start to pair off. At this point, no one forces you up for the bouquet toss anymore because they all know it's embarrassing.

Photo by Sweet Ice Cream Photography on Unsplash

And then you reach an age where you can't use statistics anymore to justify your singleness and you start to think... there might actually be something wrong with me.

And as I've looked deep into myself, I've found that there are, in fact, a lot of things that are probably "wrong with me". Here are a few:

• Men have, in fact, described me as "intimidating and unapproachable"
• I cannot flirt. And by that, I mean, I do not know how to recognize when someone is flirting with me. I do not know what flirting actually is. I cannot respond in any sort of normal way when I think, based on limited research, that a man may be flirting with me.
• I have not been able to last more than 96 hours on any particular dating app.
• I overthink absolutely everything and have a complete inability to move forward without optimizing every angle of a situation.

And those are just the flaws specifically related to dating. If you ask my family, close friends or people I've traveled with, they could probably list off a few other areas that could use some refinement.

Okay, but... none of that is why I'm single.

God is actually not up in heaven saying things like: "if she would have just swiped right [or is it left?] on that guy before deleting Bumble..." or "if she would have used the wink emoji instead of the smiley face emoji, he would have realized she was interested."

I've long believed that attraction is a tool that may seem nonsensical but can actually be used by God to shape where he wants us to go. I may be a great catch (aforementioned flaws notwithstanding), but if a particular man is not what God has for me, the most pain he can spare me is to just simply make that man not attracted to me. And on the flip side, I could have all the walls up and God could just send someone who doesn't care that I'm awkward or don't giggle properly at his jokes (I assume that's part of how you would flirt?) and he could just pursue me anyway.

So the actual answer about why you're single is because that's exactly where God wants you to be.

We lose sight of the goodness of singleness in our society. I can become overly focused on the fact that others aren't there for me as much as they pair off and build families and lose sight of the fact that I have margin in my life to pour into others. I've had some friends and family with kids come stay with me a few times over the past few months and I love them all, but it reminds me that I take for granted the simplicity of my life and the simple pleasures that being alone affords me. I get frustrated that I have to either travel alone or try harder to recruit friends to go with me, but I lose sight of the fact that being single (and childless) means that I can travel much more extensively without having to worry about someone else's preferences or travel schedule.

And we start to doubt God's goodness. We wonder if maybe he just forgot about us, rather than trusting that he is weaving together a beautiful story which may or may not involve a wedding in this life, but is guaranteed to be what we would choose if we could see everything that he sees.

And so I might propose... maybe it's time to stop trying to worry about shaping ourselves specifically to meet the unknown and mysterious requirements of some hazy future spouse, and instead pursue holiness, community, worship, service? There's a lot that's "wrong" with me, but I am better served to work those things out in community as I learn to pour myself out for others and let them sharpen me as iron sharpens iron. Marriage doesn't come when we've worked out all our kinks. If God does bring a husband into my life, it won't be because I finally cracked the code on how to flirt or worked out enough of my flaws. It will be because he's good. And if I stay single forever, it won't be because I didn't pick up on the right signals or because I haven't fixed enough of my sinful behaviors to warrant his goodness. It will be because he's good.

Rescuing Singleness from the Idol of Marriage

This is a post for both single and married people.

Singleness is hard sometimes. (I'm trying to remember exactly why because my life is pretty charmed right now. I think it was because I hate installing the AC unit and I don't have anyone to dance with when Ed Sheeran's "Perfect" comes blaring across the speakers at wedding dances.)

Marriage is hard sometimes. Good marriages are hard. Bad marriages are incredibly hard. Marriage involves not just one, but two sinners merging their lives together and pledging to stay together for both better AND worse. Marriage may mean putting up with someone who doesn't use coasters OR someone who gets upset every time you don't use a coaster... and probably other differences as well. And you have to work through them. You can't just get a new roommate.

Singleness is awesome. I just booked a trip to Norway because I felt like it. I didn't have to negotiate with someone else who may not feel like the ideal vacation involves escaping the summer heat to somewhere cool.

Marriage is awesome. You can spend Saturday night in your sweatpants on the couch and no one accuses you of not having a social life. You also have a travel buddy built in and don't need to take a risk on an unknown travel company and pay extra for the single supplement.

Okay, so now that we've gotten the superficial stuff out of the way, I want to talk about the spiritual side of singleness and marriage.

Marriage is a good, beautiful thing. It is a picture of God's love for the church, as Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:31-32 - "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church." A Christian marriage, in and of itself, is a testament to the world around us of the gospel.

Singleness, according to Paul, is also a very good, beautiful thing. Single people have margin. As Paul explains in 1 Corinthians 7:32-33 - "I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband."

The margin in my life is not for me to travel the globe or enjoy relaxing baths (not that either of those things are bad!), but to pour out my life and serve others. Being single means that I can pick up and head over to the house of a friend who needs help. It means my schedule tends to be more flexible and it doesn't take a lot of effort to go and hang out with my friend and her kids while her husband is working. It means I can open my home, brew a pot of tea, and listen to a friend open up her heart.

So this was a lot of preamble to tee up what I really want to talk about...

Despite the biblically accurate esteemed view of singleness, I see the idol of marriage cropping up as I talk to both single and married people. Single people tend to think that all the challenges they experience in life would be less challenging if they could just find THAT PERSON who will be their partner. Married people tend to see us all as being on this timeline spectrum of moving from singleness to finding someone to getting married to having babies to driving an SUV.

I think this line of thinking does damage in a number of ways. First of all, if you're single and you think marriage is going to solve your problems, it's not. It's going to multiply them. You'll be disappointed that your own problems didn't get solved, AND you'll inherit another person's problems. Marriage is a beautiful, worthwhile institution that is best experienced with someone who is also operating on a foundation of grace. It brings with it the ultimate "iron sharpening iron."

For the married people who feel like the main topic of conversation whenever they talk to me is "have you found someone yet? Where are you looking? Have you tried *insert name of dating app here*? We need to find you someone so we can all go out together. This sermon is for those who are married AND those who are not yet married"... I would just direct you back to 1 Corinthians 7. Me in my time of singleness is not an incomplete me. Single me is not in a holding pattern. Single me is exactly where God wants me. That may not be forever, but it's for right now, and instead of trying to "fix me", perhaps you should just be taking advantage of all that I have to offer right now. ;-)

So I'm going to end with a plea. As I get older (and remain single), singleness can get harder if I approach it the wrong way. If I think that singleness is about my freedom and my comfort and about dinner and drinks on a Saturday night with all my single friends, then over time, my single friends become my married friends and then my parent friends and suddenly, it's just me. Something that God has been instilling on my heart about community and the body of Christ is that my relationships are not limited only to fellow single Christian girls of a similar age. I believe strongly that there is tremendous value in being friends with people of all stages of life.

In fact, I remember a few months ago when I was feeling discouraged about some aspect of my singleness (I think I had just taken a spin through Match and realized there are actually no single Christian men in my city ;-) ), and one of my friends who is married with amazing kids had posted something on Instagram about finding contentment. I jokingly texted her and said "I thought it was only single people who needed to find contentment!" That text led to a discussion about contentment and perspective and seeing our blessings despite any immediate challenges. The gospel and biblical truth cuts across our relationship statuses and life stages.

So my plea... build up your community with people who aren't like you. If you've got a family, know that it's an incredible blessing for us singles to be a part of that. And we want to be a blessing in return. (I only draw the line at diapers.)