Singleness is hard sometimes. (I'm trying to remember exactly why because my life is pretty charmed right now. I think it was because I hate installing the AC unit and I don't have anyone to dance with when Ed Sheeran's "Perfect" comes blaring across the speakers at wedding dances.)
Marriage is hard sometimes. Good marriages are hard. Bad marriages are incredibly hard. Marriage involves not just one, but two sinners merging their lives together and pledging to stay together for both better AND worse. Marriage may mean putting up with someone who doesn't use coasters OR someone who gets upset every time you don't use a coaster... and probably other differences as well. And you have to work through them. You can't just get a new roommate.
Singleness is awesome. I just booked a trip to Norway because I felt like it. I didn't have to negotiate with someone else who may not feel like the ideal vacation involves escaping the summer heat to somewhere cool.
Marriage is awesome. You can spend Saturday night in your sweatpants on the couch and no one accuses you of not having a social life. You also have a travel buddy built in and don't need to take a risk on an unknown travel company and pay extra for the single supplement.
Okay, so now that we've gotten the superficial stuff out of the way, I want to talk about the spiritual side of singleness and marriage.
Marriage is a good, beautiful thing. It is a picture of God's love for the church, as Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:31-32 - "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church." A Christian marriage, in and of itself, is a testament to the world around us of the gospel.
Singleness, according to Paul, is also a very good, beautiful thing. Single people have margin. As Paul explains in 1 Corinthians 7:32-33 - "I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband."
The margin in my life is not for me to travel the globe or enjoy relaxing baths (not that either of those things are bad!), but to pour out my life and serve others. Being single means that I can pick up and head over to the house of a friend who needs help. It means my schedule tends to be more flexible and it doesn't take a lot of effort to go and hang out with my friend and her kids while her husband is working. It means I can open my home, brew a pot of tea, and listen to a friend open up her heart.
So this was a lot of preamble to tee up what I really want to talk about...
Despite the biblically accurate esteemed view of singleness, I see the idol of marriage cropping up as I talk to both single and married people. Single people tend to think that all the challenges they experience in life would be less challenging if they could just find THAT PERSON who will be their partner. Married people tend to see us all as being on this timeline spectrum of moving from singleness to finding someone to getting married to having babies to driving an SUV.
I think this line of thinking does damage in a number of ways. First of all, if you're single and you think marriage is going to solve your problems, it's not. It's going to multiply them. You'll be disappointed that your own problems didn't get solved, AND you'll inherit another person's problems. Marriage is a beautiful, worthwhile institution that is best experienced with someone who is also operating on a foundation of grace. It brings with it the ultimate "iron sharpening iron."
For the married people who feel like the main topic of conversation whenever they talk to me is "have you found someone yet? Where are you looking? Have you tried *insert name of dating app here*? We need to find you someone so we can all go out together. This sermon is for those who are married AND those who are not yet married"... I would just direct you back to 1 Corinthians 7. Me in my time of singleness is not an incomplete me. Single me is not in a holding pattern. Single me is exactly where God wants me. That may not be forever, but it's for right now, and instead of trying to "fix me", perhaps you should just be taking advantage of all that I have to offer right now. ;-)
So I'm going to end with a plea. As I get older (and remain single), singleness can get harder if I approach it the wrong way. If I think that singleness is about my freedom and my comfort and about dinner and drinks on a Saturday night with all my single friends, then over time, my single friends become my married friends and then my parent friends and suddenly, it's just me. Something that God has been instilling on my heart about community and the body of Christ is that my relationships are not limited only to fellow single Christian girls of a similar age. I believe strongly that there is tremendous value in being friends with people of all stages of life.
In fact, I remember a few months ago when I was feeling discouraged about some aspect of my singleness (I think I had just taken a spin through Match and realized there are actually no single Christian men in my city ;-) ), and one of my friends who is married with amazing kids had posted something on Instagram about finding contentment. I jokingly texted her and said "I thought it was only single people who needed to find contentment!" That text led to a discussion about contentment and perspective and seeing our blessings despite any immediate challenges. The gospel and biblical truth cuts across our relationship statuses and life stages.
So my plea... build up your community with people who aren't like you. If you've got a family, know that it's an incredible blessing for us singles to be a part of that. And we want to be a blessing in return. (I only draw the line at diapers.)
