Quarrelsome and Fretful Not-a-Wife

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and fretful wife. Proverbs 21:21 (NIV)

In case you have romanticized the idea of living in a desert, here is a visual reference.

There is no shortage of areas for repentance and confession in my life on a daily basis. One of the really nice things about not being married, however, is that I can read passages like the one above and think "whew! There's one thing I don't need to worry about!"

That is what I thought.

Until my friend recommended the book "Accidental Feminist" by Courtney Reissig. This is not a book review (and is definitely not a paid endorsement!), but, side note, it was so good that I devoured the whole thing on a single coast-to-coast flight over Christmas.

One of the things that I really appreciated about the book was that she took biblical womanhood concepts and applied them across all stages of life: singleness, marriage and motherhood (with kids at home and out of the house). Basically, she showed me how it is possible for me to be a "quarrelsome and fretful wife" without actually being a wife.

And boy, did she show me. (insert nervous face emoji here)

Ladies. How many times have you been sitting around with your girlfriends and have something like the following conversation break out?

Girl #1: Yeah, things were going really well but then [he did something to disappoint me].

Girl #2: What do you expect? Christian men are the worst!

Girl #3: Men? You mean boys!

Girl #2: Yes, exactly. That always happens...

So maybe I'm not about to start writing screen plays, but you get the gist.

By having conversations like the one above, I am basically starting to practice at being a quarrelsome wife.

Now, the thing is, that in all likelihood, Christian men will disappoint us. They are sinners. We will disappoint them, too, because we're sinners. So we need to extend the same grace that Christ has extended to us on the cross. Matt Chandler covers this really well in his Beautiful Design series and I can't do it justice, so listen to him if you want more than that. (If you're a woman, here's a good one to start with: Woman's Purpose If you're a man, side note, this blog may be less applicable to you than some of my other posts, but I'll give you this at least: Man's Purpose. And also, would you like to guest blog sometime?)

When we focus on the ways we've been disappointed by men, or affirm the righteous indignation that our sisters are feeling, we are practicing to be quarrelsome and fretful wives. We are becoming experts in the weaknesses and failings of others, rather than celebrating and affirming their strengths.

So a few things I've been doing since I felt convicted about that.

1. When the conversation goes, as it so often does, in the direction of "oh men at my church are the worst," I've tried to gracefully suggest that we change the tone of the conversation. I've also tried to catch myself when I start to do it. Continuing that line of dialog isn't going to benefit anyone. Even when the facts laid out are actually true.
2. Rather than becoming an expert on the weaknesses of our brothers, even if only as it relates to how they treat us or our sisters, let's become champions of their strengths and affirm them in the ways they exhibit character and encourage them as they pursue our sisters.

I was sitting on an airplane with overpriced wifi when I felt so very convicted about the need to affirm my brothers. For five hours as I sat waiting for cell service to return, I kept mulling about what I could say and do to put it into practice, and the moment the plane touched the ground, I started typing out emails to some of the single men friends in my life. I encouraged them for character attributes I admired, for specific ways I had seen them serve sacrificially and for ways they had proactively reached out to organize events. It felt so awkward, and I had no idea how it would be received, but I figured I would start somewhere. 

And you know what? I'm going to keep doing it until it doesn't feel awkward anymore.

Life in 2017

My thermostat can be controlled in the following ways:

• Through my watch
• With my voice
• Through my phone directly, or indirectly (when I leave the house and it goes on "Eco") mode
• Through my sleep tracker (it gets cold while I sleep and warms up when I wake up)
• The old-fashioned way (by turning the dial)
• Etc.

I have two personal assistants: Alexa and Siri. Siri will dictate and send messages for me, and Alexa will DJ my parties. She even takes requests from my friends, although this is not always welcome (as was the case when my friend shouted "Alexa! Play Ray Boltz' Thank You! Alexa! Turn volume to 7!" Actually, let's be honest. That song is so touching. *tear*) They're both on hand when I need to know the time or the temperature.

We can now pay for purchases on our watches. No more fiddling through the purse for the wallet and fishing out the credit card. Just pull the watch up to the scanner and *voila!* (I haven't actually done this yet, but I assume. Seconds of my life saved.)

Technology is pretty incredible, and I'm sure this is just the tip of the iceberg. My company is big on innovation, so I've started experimenting with different technologies so I can understand how it works, and I think some of it is pretty cool. I haven't tested it out yet, but the coolest concept to me is a thermostat that adjusts the temperature for my ideal sleep. (Not my roommate's, but I'm awake earlier than her anyway.)

We look at all that technology has enabled us to do, and it's pretty easy to think how advanced we are as a society. We're so connected! It's so easy to get another person if we just log onto Facebook or Instagram or Twitter or have Siri send someone a text message for us.

Except.

Studies have shown that social media and technology are not making our lives better, but potentially worse. Just do a google search for "Facebook is making us miserable", and you'll find reputable articles from sources such as Harvard Business Review, Fast Company and the New Yorker. Social media has all sorts of pitfalls, including the challenges of comparison (compounded by curation, which I already blogged about), and the fact that it's always available, from any device. (Well, except that if you refuse to download Messenger, you can ironically not actually send and receive private messages anywhere other than your personal computer.)

Technology has also expanded our ability for instant gratification. Want something? From the comfort of your home, you can order it and get it in 2 days or less. Alexa even allows you to order a pizza with your voice, from your couch. (Though you'd have to get up to answer the door.)

Both of these things - social media and instant gratification - have had a profound impact on our relationships. It used to be that overseas friendships required handwritten letters traveling weeks across the ocean. Now I can open Whatsapp and type out a quick text to keep in touch with friends in Kenya, Germany and the UK.

Some might argue that these advances are great, and I won't argue that I love that I can FaceTime with my friend from Argentina and it's almost as if we're sitting together in my living room. But I also remember the depth of relationship and myself that I used to pour into the letters I wrote to my sister when she lived in a castle in England and could only afford a few minutes a week on the communal pay phone.

Relationships, of all kinds, take time.  We've reduced the most intimate of relationships to a single swipe on Tinder. We've reduced remembering birthdays and special occasions to getting reminders and copying and pasting a birthday message to someone's Facebook wall. When we face challenges or have moments of joy, we just start texting until someone responds. And when we text, while we know that no one is just sitting on the couch waiting to have a meaningful conversation, we still feel somewhat hurt when our messages aren't quickly responded to.

One of the biggest fights I have in being single is against the loneliness. I know that loneliness presents itself in marriage and isn't inevitable in singleness, but it is a battle. In a city where there is constant transience, where everyone is busy, where some friends live a good 40-minute trek away, it can be easy to stop working at relationships and get lonely. On the one hand, I have everyone I've ever met just a few buttons away. On the other hand, meaningful relationships require time and face-to-face interaction.

So how do we fight all the impulses inherent in our "advanced" civilization?

• Love through the good times and the hard times. Rejoice in the wins of your friends. Be there with them when it's uncomfortable, when you disagree and when they're hurting and you have nothing to say. I find in myself an impulse to just gracefully ease out of awkward situations, but community is built when we continue to engage.
• Be patient. I have a good friend who has become a better and better friend over time. We didn't click necessarily at first, but we've been faithful about continuing to schedule time together and we've slowly started opening up more over time, and now I am so encouraged by our dinners together. True relationships take time. Sometimes an instant connection doesn't mean a lasting relationship. Sometimes an initial struggle to keep the conversation going doesn't mean things will get real over time.
• Be physically present. This one is hard, but so important. Text messages can be misconstrued. Sometimes the full depth of what you're feeling can't be conveyed. Take the time to sit down with others and have real conversations. This can be hard if you live in a city where everyone's busy and geographically spread out, but make it a priority.

What else? I have this nailed in no way at all and would love to hear how other people develop meaningful relationships.